Queeriosity: A First Year’s Thoughts on Coming Out

By Matthew Randolph

During my high school years, I remained in the closet, safely postponing coming to terms with my identity for a later date. Partly because, I assure you, I was still trying to understand my sexuality, but also because I held so many imagined fears about being seen as anything other than straight at my all-boys private school. There was only one openly gay person in my high school class. I did not want to have a spotlight placed on me to make me feel different from the other guys. By senior year, when I considered coming out, I decided against it, already under enough pressure dealing with college applications and a social life. Still, I knew I would come out at the beginning of my college career. I braced myself for any social consequences that would result from coming out, but I suspected being out in college would be better than spending even more of my life in the closet.

At Amherst, I was confused to find the process so stress-free and emotionally fulfilling. I know I am only a first-year college student, and one who attends a liberal arts college in New England. I still find it surprising that I have yet to personally experience one incident of homophobia at Amherst. None of the straight friends that I have made so far seem to care that much. Why did I overestimate how much attention people would pay to my sexuality? I am not denying that LGBT people experience discrimination on this campus. However, my personal experience so far as a first semester first-year has included much more stress about the general adjustment to college life than stress from being openly gay. Most other first-year students who find out about my gay identity respond with something like “Oh, you’re gay. Cool. I didn’t know that.” After that realization, the conversation turns to the typical concerns of first-year students (like the next time Val grants us buffalo chicken wraps for lunch). I think that was a serious concern I had for so long: wanting to feel like an individual and not a label. That concern kept me from being willing to tell other people that I was gay. In the closet, I believed coming out would mean labeling myself as a gay person instead of telling myself that I am someone who happens to be gay like I have learned to do now (in addition to being so many other awesome things). At Amherst, I feel like my sexual orientation is acknowledged and respected but at the same time, I feel like my individuality beyond it gets appreciated as well.
As an openly gay male student at Amherst, I have taken advantage of both Pride Alliance and Men of the Valley meetings and events for support. Men of the Valley gave me the opportunity to get to reflect on the experiences of the other gay men on campus. Interestingly, although we discuss issues facing gay men at Amherst, I have most enjoyed gleaning wisdom and advice from upperclassmen for navigating the Amherst experience in general, socially and academically.

Every sentiment of shame, anxiety or low self-worth has faded away since I arrived on this campus. Not only do I feel better about being more honest with people, but I also have gained so much more confidence in myself. Before coming out, I truly believed that my life could only be enjoyable by pretending to be straight. I remember myself welling up with shame whenever my mom initially lamented that I would not give her grandchildren or suggested that I was just too young to know I was gay. To be fair to my mother, she is merely concerned with my quality of life and truly loves me. She only wanted me to be happy. My happiness has always been a priority for her. I try my best to always remind her that my happiness and potential to impact the world should not and will not be limited by who I might want to marry one day.
Clearly, my life has been so much more enjoyable since coming out. Beyond the confidence boost after coming out, my life stayed pretty much the same. Apart from telling people I wanted to date guys, my world refused to drastically change. I immersed myself into the fall semester and soon the novelty of being out faded from my mind. Although I have only been openly gay for less than a semester, being out is already beginning to seem more natural.

The experience likely differs for each LGBT person, but for me, after I overcame the psychological adjustment of being openly gay, my anxiety about my identity ceased. Now that my sexuality is no longer a source of stress or shame, my mind is fully focused on my academic goals at Amherst and building friendships with other people. I find it so interesting that in the closet, I was so much more preoccupied and insecure about myself as a result of the identity crisis. I was living two lives but deep down I knew I wanted to finally get rid of my false identity. I didn’t want to hide my true self and perform the role of someone I was not destined to be. At Amherst, I was able to forget about the (perceived) social expectations of other people. I started living according to my own philosophy. That philosophy did not include being ashamed of myself, and it definitely did not include lying to other people about who I am. Using the phrase “lying to other people” sounds like an extreme description; for me, at least, it seems like the most accurate way to explain the reality of my time before being open about my sexuality. To be honest, I think I just got tired of the work necessary to deny a part of one’s identity. The lying was not only exhausting but seemed unethical as well.

So far, I haven’t told someone about my sexual orientation unless it becomes particularly relevant. I personally do not want to start a conversation with a new friend on that topic but there were instances where I realized I should have told someone earlier. It is always hard to figure out the right moment to tell a new college friend that you are not straight. However, one friend from my dorm had heard from other people and he was waiting for me to be honest with him. My attraction to guys didn’t matter to him at all and I regretted delaying the conversation with him. I assumed that a straight guy would not be interested in learning that someone in his dorm was gay. I also definitely did not expect him to be comfortable with being someone I could rely on if I wanted to talk about LGBT issues. I definitely matured from that experience by learning not to assume the worst of people.

There are genuine, serious reasons for Amherst students to stay in the closet. It can be justified for many different and complex reasons. My experience, as someone who came out at the beginning of first-year orientation, is likely very different from a gay student who has to come out to college friends who had assumed for a while that they were straight. Furthermore, some families may not be as accepting as mine. Even if students are ready to come out within the Amherst community, they may not be ready for that information to spread to their families.

Still, I urge anyone still struggling with their sexual orientation to really consider which risks represent real consequences if they come out and which ones are imagined or irrational. Unless the consequences are truly devastating, coming out should have less to do with contemplating the consequences of the decision. For me, it had everything to do with solely considering the benefits.

This article was first published in The Amherst Student “The Independent Newspaper of Amherst College since 1868.”

Students call for campus dialogue: and resources, space for marginalized groups

An image from the facebook page of the Black Student Union, one of the many cultural groups on campus.

On Wednesday members of the Amherst community gathered in the Cole Assembly Room to discuss racism, diversity, and the climate on campus. President Martin called the meeting in response to a racist incident which occurred over the weekend. An Amherst student found the “N-word” written in the snow on top of a faculty member’s car, parked near campus.  In an email to the campus she wrote, “We cannot undo what is done, but we can call racism by its name, agree that it will not be tolerated on our campus, and counter it by doing more to create a culture that honors our differences and our shared humanity.”

The group that came,  approximately fifty people, was equally represented by students (who were majority people of color) and faculty and staff (who were majority white).  After a few opening remarks by President Biddy Martin, the floor was opened up to anyone who wanted to express ideas and concerns.

Students led the way, commenting on their experience at Amherst, and changes they hope for, while staff mostly listened and took notes.  Many students echoed the sentiment that the incident this weekend was part of a larger culture of racism. As one young woman put it “This did not prove to us that racism exists on campus, we already know it exists because we face it every day.” They warned against focusing on the specifics of this crime instead of analyzing the system as a whole.

Many students expressed disappointment over what they perceived as apathy on the part of their peers. One young woman noted that when issues of marginalization and equity arise on campus, there is always a small core group of people who participate in events such as this meeting. She thought that others may hold back out of fear of saying something un-politically correct, and urged for understanding during dialogue. Another student urged for more discussions and trainings that are mandatory for everyone. He noted that we are all in different phases of learning about power and oppression; and although some people may stay silent or appear to resist social justice rhetoric, these conversations can spark a small change.  Faculty shared that they are considering creating a mandatory course on these issues. Student life is looking at extending freshman orientation, or adding orientations for sophomores or juniors which deal with social justice.

A student shared her belief that conversations and workshops are not effective if we are not serious about punishing offenders. She expressed feeling unsafe when “we see things happening again and again with no consequence.” She explained that there are people walking around campus who feel entitled to, say, rape and assault others, and they will feel entitled until they are faced with real penalties.

The discussion moved to the issue of space for student organizations and affinity groups on campus, in particular the Multicultural Resource Center and the Women’s Center.  Currently these are housed in the basement of Keefe. Biddy Martin encouraged students to “dream big” and imagine what they would like to see. This meeting proved to me that with the sharp analysis and vision of students, and implementation and resources from administration, Amherst can become an inclusive space where diversity is celebrated and supported.

The past week at Amherst College has been like nothing the college has ever experienced. Survivor after survivor have come forward with their own stories, following the publication of a former student’s narrative about her experience with sexual assault at Amherst. The president, the deans, the counseling center, the Peer Advocates, Sexual Health Educators, student groups, alumni, even national news sources -all have something to contribute to the conversation around sexual respect and misconduct at Amherst College. Each group is shocked and angered, saddened and overwhelmed. And rightly so, there is no formulaic way to respond to reports of the most traumatic violations that many can imagine. Yet, in all of this dialogue, a certain reality seems to have been neglected. This is a liberal arts college. Not a “too liberal for assault” college. Sexual disrespect can happen anywhere, at any time, by anyone. We in the Amherst bubble are not immune to the reality that “one in three women around the world will be raped, beaten, coerced into sex, or otherwise abused in her lifetime” (2003 UNIFEM report) and “one in thirty three American men will experience an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime” (RAINN). Even college educated people, even people in relationships, even people in the safety of their own dorm rooms can experience the horror that is often reserved for those in the margins. Students spend countless hours a week, engaging with critical theory and literature, meant to awaken them to social injustices and prepare them for “lives of consequence” after their four years spent at the College on the Hill. One would hope, however, that students use this critical engagement to live consequentially while at Amherst, too.

“Women’s Studies: Great Expectations”

The January 29, 1987 issue of The Amherst Student contains an article celebrating the creation of the Women’s and Gender Studies Department. The writers contended that “the potential exists for the department to be a substantial contribution to an Amherst education,” and that there was a distinct need for the hiring of additional faculty to support the nascent department. They say that new faculty needn’t necessarily “work exclusively within the department,” but that new professors could work in a variety of fields within the College. For over twenty years, Amherst heeded to this advice, only hiring its first exclusively WAGS professor within the last two years. As receptive as student response was when the Women’s and Gender Studies Department was first established, today the College must push itself to strengthen the department further. Each year there remain few majors -even fewer thesis writers -within WAGS, relative to many other majors, despite students’ breadth of knowledge about gender issues school-wide.

Growing Awareness on the Amherst Campus

Amherst College is far from perfect in the way it handles cases of sexual assault and harassment on campus. Disciplinary procedures can seem long and complicated, and students often feel put in awkward positions when confronting assailants and administration alike. However, it seems we may be reaching turning point in the way these cases are approached. Recently, several professors in  the Women’s and Gender Studies department met with the members of Women of Amherst to discuss the prevalence of sexual assault on campus. In a respectful, yet candid conversation, students and faculty shared opinions, experiences, and hopes for the future. Plans for more dialogue were outlined, and it seemed as though everyone present left with a greater sense of empowerment. As a female Amherst College student, I cannot imagine a more appropriate way to jump-start Sexual Assault Awareness Week.

Allies Week

Each year at Amherst College the LGBTQ group “Pride” organizes an Allies week, during which time members of the Amherst community are invited to stand in solidarity with the queer students on campus and in society at large. Pride encourages allies to create safe, inclusive spaces for LGBTQ students by speaking out against discriminatory language and behavior. “I Support Love” T-shirts are given out and allies are encouraged to sign pledge cards, promising to respect the rights of queer students. In past years during Allies week, T-shirts have been emblazoned with “Gay? Fine by Me.” While I commend the College’s efforts to create more inclusive communities at Amherst, I am reminded of a conversation I had last year during Allies week with a student who identifies as homosexual. For him, a point of tension regarding Allies week was that it seemed to suggest that permission must be given to the LGBTQ community, in order for them to be themselves. “I mean it’s cool that it’s ‘fine by you’ that I’m gay, but I don’t know if that’s the important part,” he said.

Just food for thought.

“What’s in a name?”

Department of Gender Studies.

Studies of Women and Gender.

Women’s and Gender Studies Department.

Department of Gender and Women’s Studies.

Shakespeare has had us believing for centuries that “That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” But how true does this hold in naming an academic department? As someone taking her first WAGS course this semester, I did not expect the class to be gender-balanced. I knew before the first day that the class would be overwhelmingly female, and I had no problem with that. My fellow female students and I  should learn about the societal structures that so often lead to obstacles for women. But so shouldn’t men? My class is made up of 27 women and 2 men, but the men participate with equal frequency as the rest of us. They do not seem to shy away from topics that might implicate men in female subordination. This has gotten me thinking: if it isn’t the material of a WAGS course that intimidates male students, what could it be? Could the simple fact that the academic department begins with the word “women” really dissuade more men from studying the implications of gender in various settings? Would the department seem friendlier if it was simply called “Gender Studies” ? Perhaps specifying “women” makes men feel that males aren’t affected their gender. After all, mathematics departments nationally share the same name. The department of English, too, is uniformly named nationwide. Maybe male students gather that it must be significant that departments studying gender emphasize different aspects in their names. Whatever the reason, it is important that more men begin studying gender relations critically. If a simple name change could lead to that outcome, the results could smell all the more sweet.

Revival of the Amherst Men’s Project

Kudos to the socially conscious men on the Amherst College campus. After a few quiet years the group, The Amherst Men’s Project, is being revived. Aimed at involving men in the prevention of gender-based violence, often perceived as a “women’s issue,” The Amherst Men’s Project aims to increase awareness of the impact of sexual assault on men’s lives. Members recognize the heavy burden of sexual assault that victims, usually female, often carry alone. Supporting the survivors in their lives -their mothers, grandmothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, girlfriends, and friends -the group invites men to speak out and make change.

Writes  the Amherst Men’s Project:

“Not all men are rapists. But 98% of rapes occur by men. How do you wanted to be represented?”

“The Fundamental Right to Choice”

This week, contributing writers responded to last week’s anti-abortion article in The Amherst Student. The response article entitled, “The Fundamental Right to Choice,” refutes many claims made in “Stand Up and Defend Life,” asserting first that fetuses -unlike newborn infants and college students -do not have “bodily autonomy and independence.” Therefore, the writers argue, abortion cannot be likened to murder, as was claimed in the anti-abortion article.  Their primary assertion was that drawing parallels between the termination of a pregnancy and acts of murder, such as the Holocaust, undermines both the rights and pain of sentient human beings.

The writers also acknowledged that “Stand Up and Defend Life” at least brought a feminist issue to the forefront of Amherst College’s consciousness. The article celebrated the responses to the original article for engaging the campus in an open debate, yet the suggested that perhaps respect for the anti-abortion choice was not necessary:

“…You don’t need to be polite in the face of an argument for your rights to be taken away. You don’t need to respect an opinion if it continues the systemic oppression of every person capable of being pregnant.”

What do you think? How restrained (or n0t) should debates of this nature be?

Reactions to The Amherst Student’s anti-abortion article?

An article in the February 15th edition of The Amherst Student entitled, “On the Issues: Stand Up and Defend Life,” delineated various arguments against abortion. The article touched upon a range of points -likening the termination of pregnancy to Stalin’s regime, questioning what the world might be like if Steve Job’s mother had terminated her pregnancy, and drawing parallels between the destruction of a bald eagle’s egg and abortion. (Let us here imagine that bald eagles are not in fact endangered species). However,  the article rests primarily on the argument that abortion is murder, as the writer “believes that life begins at conception.” Fetuses’ right to life, writes Kaake, necessarily outweighs a woman’s right to her body. The logic suggests the quantity of “lives” produced, and not the quality of lives lived, is most important in determining whether a woman is allowed to terminate a pregnancy. Kaake maintains that abortion is immoral and should be illegal even in cases of incest and rape that result in pregnancy.Kaake argues that abortion, like slavery, casts a darkness over American history and is “one of the greatest evils”  this nation has ever seen. (Kaake does not seem to recognize how he essentially posits women as slaves to their own bodies and humanity by forcing them to carry out unwanted pregnancies. )

He suggests a number alternatives to abortion: public high  schools could offer child-care services to encourage teenage mothers to carry out pregnancies and support them in raising children once they do; women could give their babies up for adoption, “giving the gift of parenthood to people who have the time, love and resources to care for and raise a baby.” Moreover, he writes, communities could increase their awareness of teenage pregnancy and support of young motherhood.

What is not addressed in the article, however, are any policies the writer might imagine for preventing undesired pregnancies in the first place. Although he seems quite taken with the many alternatives to abortion once a woman learns she is pregnant,  he seems unconcerned with preventative measures that could and should be taken to steer women from being forced to make such decisions at all.